Everyone wants to leave a legacy. But how do you make sure the legacy you leave behind is the one you wish for? According to Mike McGrann from BBH’s Center for Family Business, you need to start working on it today.

He recently sat down with BBH Partner Kathryn George to discuss how to approach co-creating your legacy, including engaging family members in discussions around the topic.

Let’s start by defining legacy. What does it mean?

Legacy is often described as what we leave behind – tangible items in the form of wealth or property, as well as intangible items like values or faith. The magical thing about a legacy is that we can intentionally co-create it with our loved ones while we are alive.

Here’s an example to put this into perspective. I was working with a couple and their attorney. The couple had built a wonderful business, but there was family disharmony. Their attorney said, “Can you set aside money for the lawsuit that we know will happen when I read your will?”

The couple was dismayed and wanted to know how to avoid this. With no changes, the couple was going to pass away, and their legacy would play out as one of relationship pain and value destruction.

Very few people wish for that as part of their legacy. If you want your legacy to be the one you wish for, then you need to start working on it today. Step one would be to begin discussing your legacy goals with those whose lives you hope to impact with your legacy. Usually, this includes the people closest to us – those we love the most.

When you are working with someone on their legacy, and you ask their loved ones what they view as that person’s legacy, how often is there misalignment? Where does that misalignment come from?

The place that we see this misalignment most profoundly is around money and wealth, when generations are not aligned, or the next generation is not well-informed about their parents’ plans. The next generation knows the wealth will affect them and their families, but they don’t know what the plan is. The irony is that parents fear the impact that wealth will have on their kids, so they avoid discussing it – a situation that often leads to the exact fear they have about the wealth.

It seems families need to improve communication to co-create a legacy. How do you start the conversation?

It begins with reflection: Who are the people, the communities, and the causes you wish to impact? Why do these matter to you, and how might you help them?

Step two is to share these wishes with those closest to you – especially the parts of your legacy goals that will impact your family.

For example, if you value education and wish to leave resources to pay for your grandchildren’s education, share that legacy goal with your adult children (the parents of your grandchildren). This kind of discussion acknowledges that your decision impacts both generations – your adult child, their spouse, and your grandchildren. They will have questions – especially if you have more than one child and multiple grandchildren.

A reality check: Part of your legacy decision-making is tied to your wealth and how it will be allocated. This presents challenges because many find it difficult to talk about wealth. Fears of giving up control and fears of how wealth will affect future generations are common.

As you engage in these conversations, keep in mind that the act of giving your adult children a voice in conversations about your legacy goals (and the wealth tied to it) does not imply that they have a vote on the issues.

With this framework in mind (voice does not equal vote), we are free to share our goals and seek feedback without fear of loss of control. Most importantly, these discussions build relationships and contribute to a legacy of trust.

What types of scenarios have you seen where this goes well?

And when does it not go well? These discussions go well when we remember that a legacy is built slowly, over time, and in dialogue. Embrace the journey. Begin with short conversations, and remember that no matter what kind of reaction or questions you may get, they are simply opinion and questions. It is still your decision.

The key is to be open to feedback. If you are not ready for questions or feedback about your legacy goals, then don’t ask for it. The worst thing we can do is to ask for feedback about our goals and then get angry when we don’t like the feedback we get.

If you have multiple children, is it better to have these conversations individually or as a group?

In general, if we can learn to do this with our whole family in the room, that is a wonderful thing. If this feels overwhelming, then begin the conversation individually.

Either way, your legacy will affect your entire family in one way or another. If part of your legacy includes a difficult decision, my advice is to begin discussing the issues today. Patience and empathy for those impacted are a big part of the process.

Earlier, you referenced the fear that many people have about the impact that wealth will have on their children or grandchildren. How do you address these concerns?

First, recognize that this is a very normal concern, and we all know people whose children have enormous wealth and who struggle to find purpose in their live. But it is never really the money that “ruins” kids. I often ask people, “If money ruins kids, then how much money does it take to ruin a kid?” Obviously, there is no answer to that question because it’s not about the money – it is about how they are raised.

Most important is the age-appropriate dialogue. Consider starting with a simple conversation about money, wealth, and estate planning: 

• Money: Whose money is it, and how did we earn it? 
• Wealth: What does it mean, and what does it not mean? What are the responsibilities that come with wealth? 
• Estate plans: What are the plans, how will they affect all of us, and whose call is it?

Having those conversations starting at an early age and creating boundaries around wealth is hard, but I once heard a parent say, “You can create boundaries that make your kid cry when they’re 10, or fail to define any boundaries for them, and you’ll be crying when they’re 20.”

How can parents of adult children navigate that transition from the parent-child dynamic to a more peer-to-peer relationship when their children are adults?

We often talk about the concept of transitioning from the parent-child hierarchy to a peer-based relationship with our children. The hierarchy still exists as they get older, but we can choose to interact as peers.

The challenge of parenting is understanding when kids need parenting and when they don’t. An 8-year-old definitely needs parenting, 18-year-olds sometimes need it, and a 28-year-old should not be parented. Hierarchies are a reality in our families and an important part of our organizations, but hierarchical behavior creates distance and mistrust in our relationships.

At the same time, we need to consider that if we’re going to give money to our children, will it come with strings attached? When we give them wealth, are we going to continue to parent them, or are we prepared to say, “Here’s the money. It’s your call”?

We’ve been talking a lot about the parent-child relationship, but how does this all work when the grandparents are the ones leaving money to the children?

It’s important to engage all generations when it comes to this – you should include everyone who will be affected. It’s your wealth that you are handing down to the grandchildren, but the parents will still be affected by your decision, so give them a voice as well.

One idea for this scenario is to communicate in writing or a video what you want to do for your grandchildren, because you may not be here when they inherit the wealth. Make sure that they understand what you want your legacy to be for them. It’s not dictating from the grave – it is about values.

What do you do when you have children with vastly different capabilities and earning potential? Do you ignore that in this whole process and have everyone be equal?

This is one of those factors that makes building your legacy so hard!

First, fair does not mean equal. Parents want to be fair to their kids, and they often think that means everything needs to be equal. But let’s set the deal straight: Fair does not mean equal. An old friend of mine often says, “Different things, for different kids, at different times.”

The important thing is to get in a room with your family and discuss your thinking. It can be very difficult to cut an estate into perfectly equal parts, so talk about your estate plans with your kids, and ask for their thoughts. If there is disagreement, that is OK, as conflict is not always a bad thing.

Conflict is a bad thing if it is left unaddressed, or if it comes out in the form of anger that creates distance in the relationship. It is the nature of families to disagree and to have some conflict. The goal is not to create agreement – rather, it is to create alignment.

So, how do I actually get started co-creating my legacy?

Define your legacy and what you wish for it, and then it’s time to co-create. Sit down with the people who your legacy will affect, and talk about what your legacy wishes are in relation to your wealth and your values.

What is your final piece of advice for families who care deeply about legacy? What should they do?

It’s one answer in three parts:

• Be vulnerable. Be open to exploring and sharing your wishes and your fears with your family. Ask your family members to share their wishes and fears. 
• Talk about the concept of fair vs. equal. Explore each family member’s perceptions of what is fair, and remember who in the room has the vote (while still giving others a voice). 
• Finally, recognize that in every substantive interaction we have with the people we love, we’re either creating closeness or distance in our relationship. As you think about what you’re going to do with your wealth and the impact it’s going to have, think about what part of this is going to create closeness for your family, and what’s going to create distance. Look at everything through that filter, which is a wonderful way to think. It is a great tool for engagement. There is something everyone can find common ground with.